Fellow Residents of Cyberspace,
Sometimes I wish I could just feel less. Less sorrow. Less heartache. Less guilt. Just less. But alas, peace continues to elude me and the bitter sting of pain remains.
My heart can scarcely contain the erupting passions of my soul. I feel so deeply and with such staggering intensity that I am easily overwhelmed by the little things that most wouldn’t give a second thought to. The tiniest pinpricks along life’s journey have found a way to leave lasting impressions upon my spirit.
There are moments in my life when the constant ache of simply living hurts too much to face. There are times when I am brought to such depths of despair as to lament my very existence. In these hours of hopelessness, God’s abundant peace, comfort, and prosperity seem out of reach and unobtainable. I’m left the meager melancholy creature unworthy and undeserving of His endless love.
During these dark occasions I contemplate whether or not it is better to be numb. To pull the switch and emotionally cut myself off from the pain. To no longer hurt, to no longer feel. To simply exist in a constant state of apathy. The temptation is great.
On the brink of pulling the plug to my emotions, a sudden whisper reminds me of a simple truth. If I shut off the pain, the joy fades as well. Or what’s worse: the hope of joy. I can’t turn one off without the other. A life without hope is no life at all.
So where does that leave me? I can’t live with the pain and I can’t live without it. I have to learn to reexamine the way I perceive things. Trials in life are significantly easier to bear when the reasons behind them are clear. When you have something concrete to cling to instead of just the pain, you can reconcile yourself to it. I have to stop thinking that God is doing these things to me and consider the possibility that maybe He is working in me and through me instead.
A quote from Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible reads: “What a miserable preacher must he be who has all his divinity by studying and learning and nothing by experience! If his soul has not gone through all the travail of regeneration, if his heart has not felt the love of God shed abroad in it by the Holy Ghost, he can neither instruct the ignorant nor comfort the distressed.”
In order to speak true comfort into the lives of the weary, one must first walk in their shoes. When I start to look upon my suffering as a means of preparation it becomes a much easier yoke to bear. If my pain has a greater purpose, than I will rejoice in my suffering.
Understanding that God may be developing me into an instrument to help others has allowed me the confidence to boldly come to the throne of His grace and mercy. In so doing, I now realize that the love, joy, and peace that I have always sought in man is but a dim reflection of what can be found at the feet of my Savior. The rejuvenating impact of His presence restores a splintered heart, mends the worst afflictions, and offers hope and joy through the darkest of nights.
My heart explodes with thanksgiving and adoration as I witness the hand of God transforming corporeal mourning into eternal ecstasy.
Next week I’ll share my need to find out who I am apart from everyone and everything else.
Until Next Week,
May You Live Each Moment As If It’s Your Last,
Weekly Reflections: (Disclaimer: The great depths of my sorrow can only be justly compared to the impressive heights of my joy. If you stay tuned in long enough you’ll begin to see the silver ray of hope in even the darkest of my reflections.)
My life’s become a convoluted mess,
Each time I settle, it’s for less and less.
And slowly pain has formed this jaded heart,
And feeds the trail of tears that sting and smart.
How long am I supposed to sit and wait?
How long before I’m forced to tempt my fate?
As footprints on the sands of time do fade,
An end will come at last to this charade.
I’ve severed ties and failed to make amends,
Is this the way my story truly ends?
Is there a way to try to make things right?
I lack the strength I need to stand and fight.
My hidden past does haunt me like a ghost,
Through all the darkest nights it proudly boasts.
I wait and wait but still the peace won’t come,
Is it too much to ask to just feel numb?
Verse Of The Week:
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
What I’m Reading:
Too Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels.