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Fellow Residents of Cyberspace,

Boulevard of doubts

Boulevard of doubts (Photo credit: Danilo Paissan)

In my experience, faith is far from effortless.  I look upon the unyielding conviction of my mother and sister with incomparable awe. I do not presume to understand their internal struggles, but from the outside looking in, they possess an unshakable faith so far beyond my capacity to obtain.

For the greater part of my life, I have struggled to become greater than the sum of my past mistakes. The ever-growing laundry list of personal fears and failures monopolizes my every thought. The shame and hurt never seems to dissipate. In desperate moments, I have a tendency to forget who I am:

“Yeah, don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You’ve been remade.”

(Tenth Avenue North)

I forget that I am a new creation; that I am no longer bound to sin. I forget that His grace is sufficient for me; that when Christ restores, He restores fundamentally.

A tiny spark of faith resides at the core of my being, but waves of doubt constantly attempt to eradicate it. A whisper of uncertainty snowballs into a cry of unbelief. In my head the truth stakes claim, but it’s having this actuality resonate in the depths of my heart and soul that gets lost in translation. There lies an inexplicable disconnect.

I am reminded and comforted by the events of Mark 9:14-29. The disciples have just failed to drive an evil spirit from a boy when Jesus comes upon the scene. The father of the boy asks for Christ’s mercy, if He is able. Jesus replies, “If you can? Everything is possible for one who believes.” To which the father exclaimed, ” I do believe; help me to overcome my unbelief!”

The man’s small degree of faith was infused with an abundance of doubt. Yet Christ saw the tiny seed of conviction within him and nurtured it, healing the boy and the man’s disbelief simultaneously.

Faith is flawed this side of heaven; it is feeble and faulty in its discipline. But if we place our confidence in Christ, we shall find that His grace is indeed sufficient.

Next week I’ll take a look at the healing that stems from being real.

Until Next Week,

May You Live Each Moment As If It’s Your Last,

Mandy

Weekly Reflections: (Disclaimer: The great depths of my sorrow can only be justly compared to the impressive heights of my joy. If you stay tuned in long enough you’ll begin to see the silver ray of hope in even the darkest of my reflections.)

Shameful Doubt

At moments every now and then,

I am reminded who I’ve been.

A past I wish I could forget,

Within my mind is firmly set.

A truth I wish and hope to hide,

Is close at hand and stands beside.

I fear I’m trapped in former ways,

Forever longing peaceful days.

The person that I want to be,

Does live within the depths of me.

But bitter fear and shameful doubt,

Will force me still to live without.

Verse Of The Week:

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. – 2 Corinthians 5:17

What I’m Reading:

Inheritance – Book Four In the Inheritance Cycle – By Christopher Paolini

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